hello again... so finally i sat down to tell you about the last person you stole my heart (and still haven't exactly give it back...).
we met on the 9th of january, at the gym. as some of you know, the gym where i go to has a lot of "cruising" (termo usado em inglês para definir "engate"), specially on the sauna and turkish bath... you know, you give a place where men can use nothing but a short towel covering their ass and he'll be showing of and cruising other guys! i'm no different from the rest (but i guess you already knew that)!
so, we met there, at the gym, and decided to get out of the gym, go somewhere else and do... well, you already know what! any way, if it was just that, it would be ok with me, but he didn't left it there... he started sending messages, sweet messages, how much he had enjoyed me, and how great guy i was, and asked me to go to sleep with him, at his place... obviously i went! as soon as i left the hotel, i grabed my car and headed to his place, near sesimbra... once i got there, he received me with a huge and great hug, and one of the most great kisses i've had in a long time... (actually, since we had been together when we met! he is a great kisser, really really good!) he took me to his living room, where the fire was on, and he had tea prepared, with some cookies (it was around 2.30 in the morning, and i had just left the hotel!)... i can't describe what i felt... everything i liked and wanted in a guy he had it! intelligent, extremely sweet, sexual, cute, with a very interesting job, a great life history... yes, a great house too, huge, with pool, in a private condo with golf course and everything... but those of you who really know me, you know that in the end, i don't really care about all that if i really love someone!
we kept seeing each other, not everyday (as i would have liked it), but two or three times a week. i would go to sleep with him at his place, where he was always waiting for me with the fire on and hot tea... we would make love (lot's of it...)... in the morning we always cooked lunch or a huge breakfast together! once or twice he came to my place, and slept with me, on my tiny bed, but he didn't care...
on the first night i slept at his place, he told me everything about his ex... how they had lived together for five years, and how during those five years, the ex had left the house three times, how the ex never told him everything about him, and had secrets about his life... i understood right there, that P. (his name is P.) was still in love with his ex, and was still trying to forget him... i understood that there were two ways... either P. would forget his ex, and then would realize that it wasn't i the one he really loved, and i would be left alone... or the ex would try to come back home *(even though he was out since september, without saying a word... during those five months, R. (the ex!) never said a word, called, sent a text message... anything... except on P.s birthday, when he called like they were old friends and never had a life together...)* and and then i could probably left alone... still, i decided to stay at P.s side for a little while... and after that first night together, my feelings where getting bigger and bigger, stronger, deeper... i fell in love with him in such a way... so smoothly, i couldn't even realize i was falling in love...
so i could only hope that my reason was wrong, and my heart right, and that those two ways that i knew would eventually happen, never actually happen... but one of them did...
by the beginning of february, i was sleeping at his place for two nights in a row. on the second night, when we were by the fireplace, drinking tea, he told me how the ex had called him, talking like they where just old friends, trying to know if everything was ok, and telling how he had a new job, blá blá blá... P. told me that he found it very strange... after so much time, talking like that, like there was no history between them... i told P. "it's very simple! he's alone, and feeling alone! during all this time, he first felt free, because he could do anything he wanted, he was single again... but after a while, he started to see that being alone is not that great sometimes, and he started feeling lonely! finaly the loneliness started being to big, and got scared! he his scared to be alone, and he want's to come back to you, 'cause he knows that you love him, and that you'll let him come back home, and you always have! he will tell you that you're the one he loves, and that it's with you that he wants to be for the rest of his life! he's going to call you again soon, this week, or next week, i don't know, but he's going to do it! and you have two choices! you can let him come back, and everything will be great in the first times, like you've been wanting it to be ever since he left, but eventually, one month after, or two, or six months, a year, or five years after, he will be tired of living with you again, because he doesn't really love you, he's only afraid to be alone, and he's too afraid to face loneliness, and when he feels tired again, he will leave again, and you'll be left alone, crying, and feeling used and blaming yourself for having left him come back! or you can simply make a huge effort right now, and tell him that it's over, and that he cannot come back, that you have moved on, and that it's too late now!"
P. agreed with me, and told me i was right, and that if that happened, he had to tell R. that he could not come back, because he had already suffered too much! we went to sleep, and the next day, woke up, (made love as usual...) went for a shower. i stayed i little longer on the shower (i always love the hot water running down my body!), and then went to shave. by the time i got to the kitchen, P. was still on his underware (he was always faster than i, and when i got to the kitchen, he would already be dressed), talking on the phone, with an expression of worry... politely i left the kitchen and went to the living room, cleaned the tea cups and everything from the night before. i thought that it could be a phone call from work even though it was sunday (he has one of those works that demands 24h availability). he stayed on the phone for what seemed to me an eternity... he left the kitchen, always on the phone, and went to the room, and i went to the kitchen, and started washing the tea cups. he returned, already dressed, and i asked if everything was ok. he said "kind of". i asked he wanted to talk about it and he returned silence. and then started talking about lunch, and what we could do for lunch. i remember thinking "if you don't want to say it now, it's ok, you'll say it when you feel ready! but something tells me this phone call has something to do with the ex!".
we had lunch, i went to work. that week i had a friend at home, actually, it was M.s boyfriend, from madeira, so i stayed slept at home during my days off! but it was difficult to talk to P. that week. by thursday night he called me, and appologised for his silence the day before and that day, but he had something difficult to tell me and didn't knew how to say it! "just say it!", i told him! (bare in mind that this was while i was doing a short break from work, just to talk with him on the phone, knowing that a huge group of people would arrive soon at the hotel, and would head for the bar for a night cap!) so he asked me if i remembered the phone call he had on sunday morning. i said i did! he said that it was the ex calling, saying that he wanted to return home. that he had needed the that time to find himself, and that he knew that P. was the one, and that it was with P. he wanted to stay. it was P. the one he really loved!
i can't describe exactly what i felt that moment! anger? sadness? hate? amazement of how right i was? maybe all of that! but in a sort of apathy... i asked him he remembered what i had said when he told me that the ex had called... he did, but i still told him everything again! R. was only feeling lonely, and sacred, and he just wanted to come back because of that, because he knew that P. would let him come back. it was obviously that he would tell him all the crap he told him, he might even think that he was feeling that, but P. must knew that it was a mistake to let R. come back! he said he knew it was a mistake, but that i didn't understood everything, and that there was a lot more things, and that they've had a life together for five years... maybe i didn't understood everything, but if he told me everything, i could, i told him, and also, that the life they've had together for five years, R had thrown it away when he left and stayed for five months with saying a word! suddenly i saw the bus with the group arriving at the hotel, so i had to hung up. i said we would talk latter.
i went back to the bar and worked i don't know how, because my mind wasn't there, my mind was far away, at P.s place! i was supposed to go out with M. and his boyfriend that night, after work. but when they arrived at the bar, and i told them what had happened, they understood when i told them that i couldn't go out! i had to go to P.s place and talk to him, because i wasn't feeling well...
i drove to his place like i had never drove before... it wasn't just the speed, way ahead of the limits, but also, i was in a state that i wasn't even seeing the way correctly, everything seemed foggy and unreal... the other cars seemed ghosts, the road itself seemed a ghost... i couldn't stop thinking of P.s words, and al the situation... i couldn't stop thinking all we had lived together, and what i thought we were building... i couldn't stop thinking that i was loosing P. to someone who would only make him suffer more...
i arrived at the entrance of his condominium and stopped the car. either the security would wake him up to know if i could enter (since there P. hadn't notified the entry that i would be arriving), or i would wake him up, calling him, and telling him that i was there... obviously i decided to call him myself. he asked me not to enter. i told him that i had to go there, because i couldn't let him do the mistake he wanted to do. i, as a friend, could not let him do that. i, as a friend, could not see him running to a wall, knowing that he would hurt himself once he hitted the wall, and not doing anything... because that was what was happening... he was running to a wall, and the question was only, how far the wall was... the sooner R. left the house again, the sooner he would hit the wall, and the less he would be hurt, because his speed wasn't much yet, but if R. took too long to leave the house again, P. would have increased his speed, and would hit the wall stronger, and would get hurt a lot more! we talked for a while, and finally P. said that he knew it could be the biggest mistake he would do in his life, but that was a mistake he had to do, and if i could, please, not call him anymore for a while, because he needed to make everything go right with R. this time! that struck me like a 10.000tn truck! it felt like my whole life had just endend... he told that latter on in the future we could talk, but he needed a few days... i told him that as soon as we stopped that phone call, i wouldn't call him anymore, and would wait for him to make the first step. i told him that, even though it was hurting me like hell, i was going to do what he asked me, because, more than wanting him as a lover, as a boyfriend, as a husband, i wanted him as a friend, and as a friend, i could only respect his decision, even not agreeing with it! i told him that he would always have my support, and that he could always count on me, for anything!
i drove back to lisbon, again way above the limits, and again, not seeing the road, or the other cars correctly... i was crying so much i could hardly breathe. i was so angry i could only think of driving the car to a wall and crash, and die right there and then, for i didn't wanted to live anymore...
right now, i don't exactly know how i feel... he called yesterday... asking about news from the job i'm waiting (have i told about it??), and asking if everything is ok with me. i told him that i've been feeling a bit low lately (but i didn't told him that he is the reason for my low feelings), but otherwise i was ok. when i was about to ask him how he was, because the tone of his voice was a bit sad, and worried, he said he had to hung up, because he had a job call he had to answer.
so this is it... i'm moving on with my life, my professional life, my personal and social life, but my sentimental life is a lot more difficult to move on, since i'm beeing unable to forget him, and let this feeling go...
ps- guess the inspiration wasn't that much...
